Dr. Benson’s Mess

by Dan

   Shit sur­rounded Carl but he worked hap­pily with no pause or vis­i­ble dis­gust with the job at hand. Dr. Benson had phoned Carl ear­lier that day due to a backed-​up septic system. “Everything’s lookin’ hunky dory down here now Mr. Benson!” Carl yelled up from the ladder lead­ing down to the bile pool of human waste below. Dr. Benson shud­dered. He did not have the same acquired taste for such a chore, nor did he appre­ci­ate being called Mister but he wasn’t going to cor­rect Carl on that. He didn’t expect him to have that level of social sen­si­tiv­ity or respect. He just stood dis­gusted, hold­ing his nose high above Carl on the neatly man­i­cured lawn above the gaping wound in front of his Mc-​Mansion. Neigh­bors drove by with equally dis­gusted vis­ages. Dr. Benson was aware of this.

Carl emerged smil­ing from the dark hole in the ground. “All done sir!”

“Good. I’m just glad that’s over with. I assume you will be cov­er­ing the tank again. Good lord. I just had that sod put down.”  Dr. Benson remained disgusted.

“Sure thing, Mr. Benson. Yeah, your lawn’s chewed up pretty good. But your tank is fixed.”

“What was the prob­lem anyhow? Are you sure it’s fixed? I don’t want to have to do this again.”

“Well, you had an over­loaded tank. It was pretty messy…pretty nasty clog down there I tell you. You all need to eat some more fiber! There was also a whole lot of extra waste-​water in the tank. You’s guys eating a lot of aspara­gus? The waste-​water leached out into your lawn. Your lawn is sat­u­rated with pee-​pee and ca-​ca, but hey, look on the bright side. It will fer­til­ize any new sod you put down over this mess.” Carl shrugged and continued smiling.

“Hardly any con­so­la­tion but amus­ing. You have quite a way with words.”  

“Hey, some people have a way with words, I have a way with turds! We all shit Mister.”