bit of awesome

Vegeta attempts an overwrought love letter

I wanted her to reawaken the evil in my heart. I wanted her to return me to the way I was before. Cold and ruth­less. I lived by my strength alone, unin­hib­ited by fool­ish emo­tion. But slowly… over the years… I became one of you, my quest for great­ness grad­u­ally giving way to this life [...]

Cheese #2

Miguel de Una­muno Bueno Mártir 

A series of frozen pizza reviews

DiG­orno: This pizza boldly asserts itself with author­ity as a promi­nant tour du force in the world of oak aged, box fer­mented pies. It’s last­ing finish dom­i­nates the pal­lete with­out mercey…in a good way. Tomb­stone: A good table pizza. It’s rab­bled nose and trim­ishly peck­ine finish pre­cludes it from per­haps a more ele­vated status. But [...]

My 30 second attempt to write a Dragonforce song.

We ride on the wings of a demon through the fire and the mad­ness Through the rain and sorrow of the thun­der­storm and sad­ness Past the bound­aries of eter­nity we march on until the dawn Our end­less strug­gle burns on and on Ohhh ohh­h­hhh ohh­h­h­hhh ohh­h­hhh ohh­h­hhh Ohh­h­h­hhh whooooaaaa

The Best Man: Assorted Excerpts

Given the width of the chasm, I should never had assumed I could have made it across. I mean, I did long jump in col­lege, but I never had a pack of hounds on the chase. No matter, the dogs were pussies. They’d never jump, even if I had steak in each pocket, which I did.

The Best Man: Chapter 4 (excerpt)

It had been some time since I had to hike through a jungle blind­folded. Patent leather had not been invented for wetland trekking. “Faster,” said the guerilla in front of me while the one behind me used the butt of his Kalash­nikov as punctuation.

See, I too can write reviews for Slate or Pitchfork

The boil­er­plate homonid can cat­e­gor­i­cally pos­tu­late the incon­gru­ous oppo­si­tion of allied dichotomies jux­ta­posed with the men­ac­ing antipo­dal viola­tive vis-a-vis the trans­ver­sly oppug­nant rival (Iraq War). Tight­ened to a point of absolute mea­sure, the grid of ten­sion redi­rects to resem­ble a more dis­fa­vor­able long­ing. A dif­fer­ent and con­sub­stan­tial angle of the drama reveals an embell­ished junque, complete [...]

A freeform ode to the fingertip-less fleece gloves i picked up the other day

Oh, fingertip-​less fleece gloves i picked up the other day your prac­ti­cal­ness is only out­shined by your will­ing­ness to be unique and allow me to change the volume on my car radio. It is because of you that my trans­port sounds with life and it’s nice to not acci­den­tally turn off the radio alto­gether because of [...]

The Lament of Gary

Verily, I approached bog where my wife was swal­lowed away from this world not 2 months past. The farm had gone under and John sat at the bar with Mayor Winslow cape moun­tain bread cheese spoon. How hard my whip cracked against the late morn­ing sun light set my watch upon the night table and [...]

WoW Personals

Lvl 39 F NE look­ing for epic mount. NSA. You: Lvl 8 Undead war­lock eying the cloth armor at Orgim­mar. Me: Lvl 9 Orc rouge /danc­ing and /spit­ting. So far from the Tiris­fal Glades, we must have been des­tined to meet. I’d like to use my jour­ney­man skin­ning skills to remove your cloak, then daze you [...]